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The last sound on the worthless earth will be two human beings trying to launch a homemade spaceship and already quarreling about where they are going next.
Familiar Fights with "Beloved Opponents?"
I wonder if you can let your mind wander back to the last time someone made you so angry you couldn’t speak? You know the feeling: stomach in a knot, the words-you-wished-you’d-said racing in your head, you can’t force yourself into work no matter how hard you try, you feel like you’re going to explode?
I’m not talking about random, unimportant people either. I’m talking about the people in your family, spouse, mother, father, sister, brother, children, BFF, BFF’s spouse, co-worker, Boss. The people you can’t avoid or ignore. And I’m talking not talking about a once-in-a-while lapse in good judgment. I’m talking about those people in your life who you love or like for many, many reasons but there is that one wrenching trait that tears you a new one, every so often.
What do you do? What CAN you do? There are all kinds of communication skills suggestions in every fifth self-help book. And they’re valuable. They’re based on solid research and science. Speak in “I” language. Resist blaming, criticizing, judging. Maintain a strong intention to understand and find common ground. Remember why you love this person when you’re not angry.
So what’s the problem? The problem is that usually your Beloved Opponent is (maybe both, but usually one person) being very insensitive, selfish, disrespectful and/or mean. This person, at this time, refuses to see how they are at fault in any way.
So there you are. First you may fantasize about hiring a hit-man or resurrecting your rusty karate sidekick and kick the crap out of him/her. You breathe. You count. You kick the garbage can or go for a walk. You consider never speaking to this miserable jerk again, ever, in your life. But that passes. You probably run a number of scenarios through your consciousness and discard each one because you know anything you say or do is going to make it worse.
After all is said and done, then what? After you’ve written ten mad letters, filled with the worst expletives you can muster, (which you do not send, by the way). Your rage is beginning to ease. You are acutely aware that in the end, you have to communicate with this person. What’s worse is that you’ve probably been through this battle before with this person. He has probably even copped to his culpability in the past, after ravaging and devastating battles.
The issue at hand probably falls in the category of what folks in 12-Step groups call Character Defects. We all have them. They are our own blind spots. They are the things we can’t quite stop doing or we can’t quite see in context or in that moment: passive aggression, aggressive aggression, arrogance, selfishness, insensitivity, wanting everything our own way and in our own time frame, self-will run riot.
But here it is again. How do you get from the feelings of anger, pain and injustice to a place where you and this “Beloved Other” can begin to make up?
From years of doing counseling and more years of just living, I know that you only have one real option: you have to drain the rage you feel, in whatever way you can do it, until you are ready to remember why you loved this person in the first place.
I do it by writing many completely uncensored “mad letters” to the offender, refining each one down, removing expletives, until I can find a place of calmness and openness. I vent vigorously and self-righteously to whoever will listen. I go for a walk, a run or a swim. This level of rage can take days to process out; days lost of all productive action until you finally reach a place where you can say what you need to say in two or three sentences with a very tightly held intension to simply express how you feel without blaming the offender or expecting them to change their behavior.
Drs. Margaret and Jordan Paul, a husband and wife marriage-and-family therapy team, have written a wonderful book on this subject. Their book, “Do I Have to Give Up Me to be Loved by You?” lays out an effective way to bridge this painful state back to loving connection without creating the defensive stonewalling that occurs in these all-to-familiar situations.
The basic idea that they teach is that conflict is inevitable. They suggest that the only pathway to resolution is to talk to the other person in a way that doesn’t engender the defensive stone-walling that usually occurs. Their point is that if you have to find a way to tell your side of it, ie, “The World According to You,” without expecting the other person to change or take blame but only to hear how it feels to you.
They make a strong case that whenever you come into a conflict with the intention to get the ‘OTHER’ to accept blame or to change, you close the bridge of understanding and compassion. The only way you can communicate with your “ Beloved Opponent” and avoid defensiveness and blocking of communication is to use this “simple but not easy” formula. There is only one way is to approach this scenario that works.
It is only when you are able to share and disclose “The World According to You” is without expecting your “Beloved Other” to change or be wrong that walls come down. The only way you can get your BO (to “hear your side of the story”) is to share without expectation of change or acceptance of blame. This really is the only path to intimacy and understanding. The only path.
How do you do that? You could read the book or buy the recordings. You could let me guide you through these “SNARK-filled” waters back to the days when your felt love for this “Beloved Other.” Or you can do nothing and continue to experience this crushing disconnection. It is, of course, up to you, but if you want to come and ask me, you have my email address and my telephone numbers. I’ll be happy to share what I know.
Here’s to your success…
Susan French
Susanfrench2010@gmail.com
888-333-3688
