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All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.

                                            –Henry Ellis

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Managing an Attack of the "I-Don't-Wanna's"

The “I-don’t-wannas” is a state of mind and body that my old friend Fran turned me onto. You know. The “I-don’t-wanna’s” is that state that you wake up in and just don’t want to do anything. The days when you want to pull the covers over your head and let the world pass you by.

The ‘I-dont-wannas’ usually come on without warning. You may not even be able to figure out what triggered an attack. When under attack, however, my experience has been that you have to give in to it as soon as you notice it or as soon thereafter as you can manage.

It’s been awhile since I wrote about the “I-don’t-wannas,”  but since I’m just coming out of an attack myself, I thought it would be good to write about.

Every year I forget to remember that I go into the “I-don’t-wannas” sometime around the holidays, usually the day after. It usually lasts until late January but can last as long as until early March. I’m sharing this phenomenon with you in case you experience it as well. I notice that many clients, as well as friends and family, go in and out of the “I-don’t-wannas” also and when it hits, it’s always a surprise and it’s always impossible to fight off successfully.

When we’re in it, we usually just can’t figure out what’s wrong. The simplest tasks seem daunting and undo-able. Forget those tasks that require creativity, problem-solving and energy. That just isn’t going to happen, until the IDW’s pass.

What seems to be most important is to recognize the state and accept it. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to really fight my way through it. At some point, the only option is to give in, climb back into bed if you can, and abandon as many tasks as possible until it passes.

I’ve also found that it WON’T pass if I DON’T give into it. It is in these times I have to really surrender to God, the Divine Energy, the Wisdom of my Body. I sleep, read, watch dumb-ole-TV, listen to music as long as I feel like it, play and sing IF I feel like it.

I let the phone go into voicemail as much as is humanly possible without tumbling the house of cards that my life always feels like (especially during this time period). I hibernate. I even eat sugar and other junk if compelled to do that.

It is only after a true and thorough surrender that my energy begins to return and I can begin to come out of hibernation. I’ve learned not to beat myself up or drive myself through these periods. Like taking care of young kids: it has more energy than I do.

I often find that this is also a time for regrouping, dumping the trash, finding the time-sucks that I can eliminate. I find that it’s best if I let myself return to the flow of life s-l-o-w-l-y. It is truly a time of faith: faith in that the Divine Energy knows best. Faith in the fact that the sky won’t fall and nobody will die if I retreat for awhile. That, in itself, is a profound and useful insight.

So, if you have ever experienced an “Attack-of-the-I-Don’t-Wannas,” or are going through one now, I hope my explanation will help you to navigate it with the least amount of pain and distress.

Please share YOUR experience with the IDW’s. Did they flatten you? Did they mystify you? Did they scare you? Did you feel 1000% defeated? Tell me about your IDW’s. And remember, most of all, they pass AFTER you give in but not before. Don’t waste precious energy fighting it. Give in. Take what your mind/brain/body/spirit needs and it will pass. I promise.

Here’s to your success…

Susan French

Clinical Hypnotherapist

http://www.hypno4success.com

888-333-3688

Contact me:  susanfrench2010@gmail.com

Hypnosis for Your Success

From years of experience in helping clients succeed in reaching their goals, I’ve observed that a significant amount of time is spent thinking about goals we think would make our lives better if we could only achieve them.

A huge amount of all marketing in the United States promises some form of self-improvement: quit smoking, lose weight, improve your sexual performance, sleep better, cure headaches, improve your golf game.

The difficulty, not unexpectedly, is usually found between the “dreaming” part and the “done” part of our success plans. I’ll bet you already knew that. How do you get from dreaming to done? Why is the motivation to do whatever is required to reach your goals so very strong at inception and so very, very weak, most of the time, when it comes time to take productive action.

           More importantly, how do you maintain that initial level of motivation  when you hit the obstacles and difficulties that have been in your way since the first time you decided to: lose weight, quit smoking, make more money, get better grades, exercise more, or love-the-skin-you’re-in?

          Research suggests that there are many components involved in the failure to carry out the intended actions. Sometimes people can’t figure out where to start, or how to make a plan that they can follow. Others become easily overwhelmed and give up before they experience too much fear or frustration.

          Some people decide that the effort required isn’t worth the value of the outcome. Or, more importantly, the effort doesn’t SEEM to be worth the outcome when the going gets tough. Many people have trouble delaying gratification. Others become paralyzed by the need to be perfect, or better than perfect.

          The ability to delay gratification long enough to reach a desired outcome is a life skill that needs to be developed early in life. It is considered to be a major marker of maturity. Weakness in this area will prevent you from accomplishing much of anything you want to achieve in life. That’s why it is important to be aware of how well you do in delaying gratification.

          Then there is the problem of having such meager self-worth or self-confidence that the sufferer doesn’t believe that he has what it takes to stick it out to completion and success. This is rarely true but the idea that “belief equals reality” is an important area for exploration.

          Any or all of these human weaknesses (and others) can throw so many obstacles in our paths that we give up. When we can identify the specific behavior that prevents our success, we can take the small, incremental steps required to acquire the missing skills that keep us from reaching our goals.

          It is important to identify the missing skill-set and to develop that skill-set or you’ll never get from dreaming to done. When we seek help in achieving goals, we should expect that our counselor, mentor, life coach or hypnotherapist will help us to identify the missing pieces and help us to develop them.

          The most important message here is that whenever you find yourself unable to achieve a goal, it is time to evaluate your plan of action to find that one tiny little missing skill-set that keeps you from achieving your goal. In other words: you are never a failure. You are always simply a person who doesn’t understand a step in the process.

           At least, that is the assumption I bring into my work as an hypnosis practitioner.  As the wonderfully wise author and philosopher, Maya Angelou, once suggested (I just spent two hours looking for the exact quote, so I’m paraphrasing): “…but at that time you did not know better; now that you know better, you do better.”

          Don’t give up on your dreams and goals and never call yourself a failure. Find someone who can help you see where or why you’re stuck. “When you know better, you’ll do better…”

          Hypnosis provides a wonderful format for discovery as well as for successful action. If you’re having difficulty going from “dreaming” to “done,” it might be time to try hypnosis.  Hypnosis works when all else has failed.

Here’s to your success…

Susan French

888-333-3688

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An inch of time cannot be bought with an inch of gold.

–Chinese Proverb

Maybe if I Just Run a Little Faster...

Every so often I stop and take stock of: what I’m doing, what my goals are, how am I doing on the path towards my goals, what have I accomplished and so on. I came face-to-face with the biggest monstor of all: each 24-hour cycle of our lives is finite. It has 24 hours, x minutes, y seconds. No more, no less.

The wealthiest of men cannot buy more time. Nor can time be stolen from the poorest of us. It is finite. I stress the word “finite” because I realized that most of us tend to think of time as being “infinite,” “limitless.”

What I mean when I say infinite or limitless is that we tend to think in terms of stealing thirty-eight minutes from our sleep, or multi-tasking to get two things done using only one segment of time, or, I don’t feel like it now, I’ll do twice as much tomorrow.

We bargain with Time the way we bargain with Life and God and Death. Admit it. We all do it. In the end we are slammed into the fact that Time is finite.

I thought it would be helpful to look at each day (twenty-four hours) as a single pie chart. Eight hours (more or less) get used up by sleep, ten to however many hours get used up by work and all things related, such as getting ready for work, driving to work, getting to our workstation, etc.

Hmmmm. If you are visualizing this in your head as you read, you must realise that eight (one third of your day) hours of sleep plus ten to twelve hours used up by sleep already takes up twenty hours. Yikes. That only leaves four hours out of each day (plus parts of weekends) to do anything and everything else.

Then you start thinking about the other things that you 1) want to do, 2) have to do, 3) get trapped into doing by your own passivity. And we haven’t really even counted bathing, eating, cooking, dressing, paying bills, talking to your mother.

Four measly hours of discretionary time spending. No wonder I never feel like I’ve gotten anything done. No wonder I’m always on my own back about what a loser, failure, lazy, layabout rotter I am.

I start listing and sorting. This DOES NOT make me feel any better. Working out, cooking healthy foods, washing my car, cleaning my room, doing my wash, calling my friends and family, working on my business, writing my blog, playing the piano, listening to music, watching a movie, reading, studying for the class that seems to require the same number of hours as my basic living does.

No wonder I call it a “Time-Suck-Pie.” There’s no downtime, no me time, no being a ‘lazy layabout’ time. My mind directs itself towards time-management books, courses, dvds, trainers. Anything!?! You’ve heard of stretching a dollar. Have you ever considered trying to stretching an hour?

Then reality hits. There is no such thing as stretching an hour. Time is finite. A significant portion of each moment of our existence is already spoken for before we even wake up. Arrrrrgggg. I’m going back to sleep, for just a few stolen (hah) moments, to ponder this awful reality.

Hopefully, my concept of viewing each twenty-four hours as a “time-suck-pie” is helpful to you. If you feel overwhelmed, well …hypnosis can help. Call me. We’ll steal a moment together.

Here’s to your success…

Susan  French

susanfrench2010@gmail.com

http://www.hypno4success.com

888-333-3688

This is reprint of an article I wrote and posted on www.biznik.com.  I hope you enjoy it.

I just noticed Colleen Wainright’s video entitled “The Black Hole Between Okay and Fantastic.” Yes, that’s where I’m stuck right now. At least it feels like a Black Hole.

I’m sitting here scratching my head again, (mental note: start rotating spots) wondering where all my client hours are. There seems to be a bit of a perceptable pattern here but that’s for another article at another time.

I don’t think I’m a really serious procrastinator. It’s more like I’m seriously confused about the best way to spend marketing energy, time and money.

The words from an old friend echoes in my head again: “when you’re stuck, go back to where you were when everything was working well and start from there.” Such a wonderful piece of advice. It still guides me in my moments of confusion.

I return to thinking about what WAS working when it WAS all working. I find myself toggling between two competing camps among all the infinite free and paid internet marketing advice. One camp favors methodical, linear steps. I sigh mightly. This is not my favorite camp but its Truth nags at me. Methodical and linear. Ok. Areas I could improve in for sure.

Then my mind drifts to the “shoot-your-best-shot, with lots of panache and pizzaz” camp. Ah yes, much more to my liking. I could really get down with this camp, except…I could end up looking like the guy with the lampshade on his head. Um, um. Lottsa risk here.

I go back and forth. I am reminded of the words muttered by an old friend (before she was married, mind you). Now this girl was no dummy, mind you. She’s a partner in a major Los Angeles CPA firm and cute too. We were in one of those Friday night, no date, all-girl gab sessions. She sighed and proclaimed: “I’ve decided that you can’t find Mr. Stable and Mr. Sexy in the same guy!”

We all raised our glasses to that one. (Guys: don’t get offended. The same might said of us you know.)

I think of that cautionary uttering whenever I try to decide what to do with my website, my marketing, my presentation. “Stable vs Sexy?” “Stable vs Sexy?” That applies to business too, if you think about it.

I catch Jared Kessler’s article about branding and emotional appeal. 1 vote for Sexy. I read several other articles about creating perfect social media networks, exciting Calls-to-Action, WordPress minutia, and “don’t forget the small stuff.” Several votes for Stable. I run across another article about the new buzzword “neuro-marketing????” I sigh again.

By this time I’ve spent the better part of a day in research and development, “always coming out (to paraphrase Kahlil Gibran) wherein I went.” I’m worn out. My shoulders are drooping. I can feel the scowl lines etched into my forehead despite the botox.

My final act for today: a superb idea! I’m going to post this on Biznik. It won’t go to waste. Hopefully others suffering from this marketing-burnout syndrome will comment, share, offer solace and ideas.

So, then, Gentle Reader or Fellow Solopreneur: will you post your response? Do I suffer alone or are there other closet suffers out there who are willing to be counted? Please let me know that all this hard-core musing and time didn’t go to waste.

Remember: the first step in solving any problem is to acknowledge it. What do you guys think?

Here’s to your success always…

Susan French

http://www.hypno4success.com

susanfrench2010@gmail.com

888-333-3688

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The last sound on the worthless earth will be two human beings trying to launch a homemade spaceship and already quarreling about where they are going next.

-William Faulkner

Familiar Fights with "Beloved Opponents?"

          I wonder if you can let your mind wander back to the last time someone made you so angry you couldn’t speak? You know the feeling: stomach in a knot, the words-you-wished-you’d-said racing in your head, you can’t force yourself into work no matter how hard you try, you feel like you’re going to explode?

I’m not talking about random, unimportant people either. I’m talking about the people in your family, spouse, mother, father, sister, brother, children, BFF, BFF’s spouse, co-worker, Boss. The people you can’t avoid or ignore. And I’m talking not talking about a once-in-a-while lapse in good judgment. I’m talking about those people in your life who you love or like for many, many reasons but there is that one wrenching trait that tears you a new one, every so often.

What do you do? What CAN you do? There are all kinds of communication skills suggestions in every fifth self-help book. And they’re valuable. They’re based on solid research and science. Speak in “I” language. Resist blaming, criticizing, judging. Maintain a strong intention to understand and find common ground. Remember why you love this person when you’re not angry.

So what’s the problem? The problem is that usually your Beloved Opponent is (maybe both, but usually one person) being very insensitive, selfish, disrespectful and/or mean. This person, at this time, refuses to see how they are at fault in any way.

So there you are. First you may fantasize about hiring a hit-man or resurrecting your rusty karate sidekick and kick the crap out of him/her. You breathe. You count. You kick the garbage can or go for a walk. You consider never speaking to this miserable jerk again, ever, in your life. But that passes. You probably run a number of scenarios through your consciousness and discard each one because you know anything you say or do is going to make it worse.

After all is said and done, then what? After you’ve written ten mad letters, filled with the worst expletives you can muster, (which you do not send, by the way). Your rage is beginning to ease. You are acutely aware that in the end, you have to communicate with this person. What’s worse is that you’ve probably been through this battle before with this person. He has probably even copped to his culpability in the past, after ravaging and devastating battles.

The issue at hand probably falls in the category of what folks in 12-Step groups call Character Defects. We all have them. They are our own blind spots. They are the things we can’t quite stop doing or we can’t quite see in context or in that moment: passive aggression, aggressive aggression, arrogance, selfishness, insensitivity, wanting everything our own way and in our own time frame, self-will run riot.

But here it is again. How do you get from the feelings of anger, pain and injustice to a place where you and this “Beloved Other” can begin to make up?

From years of doing counseling and more years of just living, I know that you only have one real option: you have to drain the rage you feel, in whatever way you can do it, until you are ready to remember why you loved this person in the first place.

I do it by writing many completely uncensored “mad letters” to the offender, refining each one down, removing expletives, until I can find a place of calmness and openness. I vent vigorously and self-righteously to whoever will listen. I go for a walk, a run or a swim. This level of rage can take days to process out; days lost of all productive action until you finally reach a place where you can say what you need to say in two or three sentences with a very tightly held intension to simply express how you feel without blaming the offender or expecting them to change their behavior.

Drs. Margaret and Jordan Paul, a husband and wife marriage-and-family therapy team, have written a wonderful book on this subject. Their book, “Do I Have to Give Up Me to be Loved by You?” lays out an effective way to bridge this painful state back to loving connection without creating the defensive stonewalling that occurs in these all-to-familiar situations.

The basic idea that they teach is that conflict is inevitable. They suggest that the only pathway to resolution is to talk to the other person in a way that doesn’t engender the defensive stone-walling that usually occurs. Their point is that if you have to find a way to tell your side of it, ie, “The World According to You,” without expecting the other person to change or take blame but only to hear how it feels to you.

They make a strong case that whenever you come into a conflict with the intention to get the ‘OTHER’ to accept blame or to change, you close the bridge of understanding and compassion. The only way you can communicate with your “ Beloved Opponent” and avoid defensiveness and blocking of communication is to use this “simple but not easy” formula. There is only one way is to approach this scenario that works.

        It is only when you are able to share and disclose “The World According to You” is without expecting your “Beloved Other” to change or be wrong that walls come down. The only way you can get your BO (to “hear your side of the story”) is to share without expectation of change or acceptance of blame. This really is the only path to intimacy and understanding. The only path.

 How do you do that? You could read the book or buy the recordings. You could let me guide you through these “SNARK-filled” waters back to the days when your felt love for this “Beloved Other.” Or you can do nothing and continue to experience this crushing disconnection. It is, of course, up to you, but if you want to come and ask me, you have my email address and my telephone numbers. I’ll be happy to share what I know.

Here’s to your success…

Susan French

Susanfrench2010@gmail.com

888-333-3688

Notable Quotables

It's Freaky Friday. Time to change Hats.

 Always strive to excel, but only on weekends.

Words Can Hurt

          Did anyone ever recite that little ditty when someone had called you a name or said something unpleasant about you?  Do you recall that it was NOT very comforting?  Not only is it not comforting but it is also NOT TRUE.

          The Truth is that bones almost always heal but words can leave a lifelong psychic scar. Why? Because the message to the victim is this: we, your peers, see you as worthless, pathetic, stupid, ugly, an idiot, a fool, a lesser being than the rest of us. The intention of the perpetrator is to humiliate, dominate, and bring the victim to despair and powerless rage.  Pretty mean. It makes me think of “The Lord of the Flies.”

          Words ARE just words though, aren’t they?  In fact, we can often say the same words in light-hearted teasing and the recipient will perceive then as being “not really meant, no threat, just kidding.” So then, what is the difference?

           The difference is in the ‘perceived intent of the speaker’ by the recipient. As receivers, we are always subconsciously assessing messages for intent. When someone says something unkind to another (and means it), the intention carries with it a menacing and distancing message. The message: “you are no longer an acceptable member and are, therefore, ousted from our group.”

          An extreme example of this hurtful distancing behavior is a practice known as “shunning.” “Shunning” is a practice used by some societal groups for punishment and control.  If a member of the group is cast out, he is considered to be “dead” to the rest of the group, including family members. Contact is often forbidden for the duration of the shunned person’s life.

          Studies of “shunning” suggest that the practice is said to cause grave and devastating effects on those involved. It is considered to be a form of psychological torture. The same might be said of the practice of “solitary confinement.”

          The question becomes: why should it matter what others think? The answer lies in the fact that we humans have evolved into “herd” creatures. The humans who banded together and survived,  propagated. The quotation “No man is an island” speaks to that idea.

          This “herd animal” factor is hard-wired into us: any threat to our connection with our “herd,” “tribe” or “society,” sets off a limbic-system driven “fight-flight-or-freeze” response.

           It is easy to see how hurtful words can have monumental impact on the receiver. If you have any doubt, however, please read the letter posted below, taken from the relevant and timely book entitled “The Bully, The Bullied, and The Bystander” by Barbara Coloroso.

BREAKING THE CYCLE

“I shall remember forever and will never forget

Monday: my money was taken

Tuesday: names were called

Wednesday: my uniform was torn

Thursday: my body pouring with blood

Friday: it’s ended

Saturday: freedom”

This is the final diary page of thirteen-year-old Vijay Singh.  He was found hanging from the banister rail at home on Sunday.

From the book “Bullycide, Death at Playtime: An Expose’ of Child Suicide Caused by Bullying,” by Neil Marr and Tim Field.

“Words can never hurt me?” Maybe it’s time to rethink that idea. If words from the past still taunt you, hypnosis can help.

Here’s to your success…

Susan French

888-333-3688

http://www.hypno4success.com

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Opinions. Doesn't Everybody Have one?

NOTABLE QUOTABLES

When life is temporarily overwhelming

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing

on the shore like an idiot.”

—Steven Wright

Steven Wright is one of my favorite comedians because he is a master of the absurd. His humor reminds me of how truly absurd life is, especially if I let the piddly daily annoyances creep over me. When my day becomes twisted with absurdity I look for something like a Steven Wright quote to break the grip of immobilizing seriousness.

In the meantime, life will always be absurd. You can curse, cry or laugh. Take your pick.

How do you deal with those days that make you feel as if you “shoulda stood in bed”?

Here’s to your success,

Susan French

888-333-3688

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Is it Friday yet?