Words Can Hurt

          Did anyone ever recite that little ditty when someone had called you a name or said something unpleasant about you?  Do you recall that it was NOT very comforting?  Not only is it not comforting but it is also NOT TRUE.

          The Truth is that bones almost always heal but words can leave a lifelong psychic scar. Why? Because the message to the victim is this: we, your peers, see you as worthless, pathetic, stupid, ugly, an idiot, a fool, a lesser being than the rest of us. The intention of the perpetrator is to humiliate, dominate, and bring the victim to despair and powerless rage.  Pretty mean. It makes me think of “The Lord of the Flies.”

          Words ARE just words though, aren’t they?  In fact, we can often say the same words in light-hearted teasing and the recipient will perceive then as being “not really meant, no threat, just kidding.” So then, what is the difference?

           The difference is in the ‘perceived intent of the speaker’ by the recipient. As receivers, we are always subconsciously assessing messages for intent. When someone says something unkind to another (and means it), the intention carries with it a menacing and distancing message. The message: “you are no longer an acceptable member and are, therefore, ousted from our group.”

          An extreme example of this hurtful distancing behavior is a practice known as “shunning.” “Shunning” is a practice used by some societal groups for punishment and control.  If a member of the group is cast out, he is considered to be “dead” to the rest of the group, including family members. Contact is often forbidden for the duration of the shunned person’s life.

          Studies of “shunning” suggest that the practice is said to cause grave and devastating effects on those involved. It is considered to be a form of psychological torture. The same might be said of the practice of “solitary confinement.”

          The question becomes: why should it matter what others think? The answer lies in the fact that we humans have evolved into “herd” creatures. The humans who banded together and survived,  propagated. The quotation “No man is an island” speaks to that idea.

          This “herd animal” factor is hard-wired into us: any threat to our connection with our “herd,” “tribe” or “society,” sets off a limbic-system driven “fight-flight-or-freeze” response.

           It is easy to see how hurtful words can have monumental impact on the receiver. If you have any doubt, however, please read the letter posted below, taken from the relevant and timely book entitled “The Bully, The Bullied, and The Bystander” by Barbara Coloroso.

BREAKING THE CYCLE

“I shall remember forever and will never forget

Monday: my money was taken

Tuesday: names were called

Wednesday: my uniform was torn

Thursday: my body pouring with blood

Friday: it’s ended

Saturday: freedom”

This is the final diary page of thirteen-year-old Vijay Singh.  He was found hanging from the banister rail at home on Sunday.

From the book “Bullycide, Death at Playtime: An Expose’ of Child Suicide Caused by Bullying,” by Neil Marr and Tim Field.

“Words can never hurt me?” Maybe it’s time to rethink that idea. If words from the past still taunt you, hypnosis can help.

Here’s to your success…

Susan French

888-333-3688

http://www.hypno4success.com

NOTABLE QUOTABLE

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance,

the wise grows it under his feet.

—James Oppenheim

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Practice this and Happiness will Follow

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One thing we know for sure: you can’t be happy if you’re not alive!  I’m certain we agree on that.

There is no debate about our physical survival needs.  Deprived of these we will quickly die.

But what about our more vague and subtle emotional need?  According to Joe Griffin and Ivan Tyrrell, in their book the “Human Givens,”  if we ignore or refuse to attend to certain emotional needs in our daily life, we may very well not feel so enthusiastic about being alive.

These needs include:

• Security and safety
• Attention (giving and receiving)
• Affection (give and receiving)
• Sense of autonomy and control
• Being part of a wider community
• Friendship and intimacy
• Status in social groupings
• Sense of competence and achievement
• Some feeling of meaning,  purpose, value  in life
• Enough challenge to push us to grow

To these I would like to add that each of us needs a reasonable amount of “downtime,” “me-time,” “non-demand” time other than sleeping, to do with as we wish.

It is easier to ignore these needs, to put them on the back burner while we attend to the “obligations” of our lives.  And, we can get away with it…for  awhile.  Neglected, ignored or, more frequently, unrecognized, for any length of time and we will start getting those “Pay Now or Die” messages from our inner selves.

These messages often come in the form of what I call a “gnawing inner discontent.”  Nothing is really wrong but nothing is really right either.  These messages are delivered through vague aches and pains, bone-dragging weariness, insomnia or sleeping too much.  They might be delivered as “panic attacks” or vague chronic uneasiness.

If you continue to ignore the messages, you may find yourself taking the next step: drinking, drugging, eating too much and of the comfort variety, spending, shopping, gambling, any and all form of addictive, compulsive behaviors.  Somewhere along the line of denial we learned that these “quick fixes” will distract us and even give us a quick shot of endorphins to ease the pain.  Temporarily.  Very temporarily.

The caveat: as physical pain is an urgent message to attend to something potentially life-threatening, emotional pain is not so immediate, precise or easily discovered.

Remember the quote from Henry David Thoreau:  ”The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”  Did it ever occur to you that he might have been speaking of you…or me?

If any of these words hit a tender spot in you, you might want to do a scan or your own inner landscape.  Learn to take your own pulse.  When you feel these  signs of unease, ask yourself:  ”What is it that I need right now?”  And for God’s sake, take yourself seriously.

What are some specific signs and symptoms?  Tune in for part 3 of Keys to Happiness.

In the meantime, a wise mentor and/or hypnotherapy can help.

Here’s to your success.

Susan French

877-583-2026

http://www.hypno4success.com