Words Can Hurt

          Did anyone ever recite that little ditty when someone had called you a name or said something unpleasant about you?  Do you recall that it was NOT very comforting?  Not only is it not comforting but it is also NOT TRUE.

          The Truth is that bones almost always heal but words can leave a lifelong psychic scar. Why? Because the message to the victim is this: we, your peers, see you as worthless, pathetic, stupid, ugly, an idiot, a fool, a lesser being than the rest of us. The intention of the perpetrator is to humiliate, dominate, and bring the victim to despair and powerless rage.  Pretty mean. It makes me think of “The Lord of the Flies.”

          Words ARE just words though, aren’t they?  In fact, we can often say the same words in light-hearted teasing and the recipient will perceive then as being “not really meant, no threat, just kidding.” So then, what is the difference?

           The difference is in the ‘perceived intent of the speaker’ by the recipient. As receivers, we are always subconsciously assessing messages for intent. When someone says something unkind to another (and means it), the intention carries with it a menacing and distancing message. The message: “you are no longer an acceptable member and are, therefore, ousted from our group.”

          An extreme example of this hurtful distancing behavior is a practice known as “shunning.” “Shunning” is a practice used by some societal groups for punishment and control.  If a member of the group is cast out, he is considered to be “dead” to the rest of the group, including family members. Contact is often forbidden for the duration of the shunned person’s life.

          Studies of “shunning” suggest that the practice is said to cause grave and devastating effects on those involved. It is considered to be a form of psychological torture. The same might be said of the practice of “solitary confinement.”

          The question becomes: why should it matter what others think? The answer lies in the fact that we humans have evolved into “herd” creatures. The humans who banded together and survived,  propagated. The quotation “No man is an island” speaks to that idea.

          This “herd animal” factor is hard-wired into us: any threat to our connection with our “herd,” “tribe” or “society,” sets off a limbic-system driven “fight-flight-or-freeze” response.

           It is easy to see how hurtful words can have monumental impact on the receiver. If you have any doubt, however, please read the letter posted below, taken from the relevant and timely book entitled “The Bully, The Bullied, and The Bystander” by Barbara Coloroso.

BREAKING THE CYCLE

“I shall remember forever and will never forget

Monday: my money was taken

Tuesday: names were called

Wednesday: my uniform was torn

Thursday: my body pouring with blood

Friday: it’s ended

Saturday: freedom”

This is the final diary page of thirteen-year-old Vijay Singh.  He was found hanging from the banister rail at home on Sunday.

From the book “Bullycide, Death at Playtime: An Expose’ of Child Suicide Caused by Bullying,” by Neil Marr and Tim Field.

“Words can never hurt me?” Maybe it’s time to rethink that idea. If words from the past still taunt you, hypnosis can help.

Here’s to your success…

Susan French

888-333-3688

http://www.hypno4success.com

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“When you’re feeling terrific, notify your face.” -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

OR

“He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.” -Benjamin Franklin

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Top or Bottom -- You Figure it Out

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Herein lies the great dichotomy, the constant double-message, splitting our opinions, especially of ourselves. I thought it ironic that the above quotes followed one after the other. For a moment or two I felt like making an endless filmloop out of them.

This internal divide becomes more acute at Holiday time, doesn’t it? Holidays are supposed to be about taking time to show special love to the special people in our lives. Aren’t they? However, as the Holidays trudge closer to P-day (“Present Day”) though, my inner vision becomes one of two giant stallions tethered on either side of a poor, beset, struggling, guilt-ridden, trying-not-to-to-be-broke-and-exhausted person. It’s truly a gruesome sight.

The Stallion of “Love Everyone Else First” starts to snort and stamp. The Stallion of “Aren’t-I- Somewhere-on-this-Love-List-Too?” begins to pull. “And here lies Julian Grey. He had the right of way” (this dumb little ditty from high-school driver’s ed begins to echo in my ears).

I have a deeply-held resentment against any philosophy that tauts love others but doesn’t include the Most Important Person on that list as well. In my life, my most treasured resource is myself. “If Momma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t No-Body Happy!” I like to growl menacingly.

But the truth is, sometimes I’m going to throw plastic bottles in with the rest of the trash…because I truly don’t have the wherewithal to walk outside to the Recycle Bin. The truth is, there are many times, (in fact, most of the time) when I go grocery shopping, I refuse to trot politely back to where the carts are stored and put them away. Yes, and I, too, often leave my socks on the floor, even though I’m the one who has to pick them up eventually.

And why, you might ask? Because I realized awhile back, that the greatest resource I had was myself. My stamina. My energy. My good-will. And, I realized, that I was not qoing to squander it on nonsense.

Nonsense to me is pretendng to be better than someone else. Trying to be more righteous, more pure, more polite, more considerate, more perfect.

Nonsense to me also is forgetting that I get to be on that damned list too. I get to up there at the top. Not instead of, but also. I matter too. My wallet, my feet, my back, my limited tolerance to chaos and crowds. They all count too.

Some may think me crass. A spoilsport. Un-Holy. A Bah-hum person. But no. Think again. This is an important consideration. It is my fervent belief and observation that people are healthy, happier and have the most wonderful, booming self-esteem, when they remember to put themselves on that list. And at the top of that list, at that!

Yeah or Nay, folks? Feel free to comment. I love to hear everyone’s thoughts. Just as long as I remember that mine is the most important one…to Me. Happy Holidays. Happy New Year. Happy Living.

Here’s to your success…(and mine),

Susan French

http://www.hypno4success.com

Please feel free to comment, suggest, ask questions, or even make snarky remarks.  If anyone wants to email me privately as susanfrench2010@gmail.com .

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The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.

Peter Drucker (1909 – 2005)

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Part 1 of 3

Have you ever noticed that when people argue or disagree that the supposed issues don’t really seem to be worth fighting over?  Maybe you notice that a vague feeling hovers around like a bad smell; that the “topic” is not quite what is wrong?  But, you ask yourself, “What is it?”

Let me explain the concept of  ”It’s not about the socks on the floor.” Years ago I was a working wife and mother; my former husband was a very hard-working business owner.  We both really like a super clean, neat home.  He worked way too many hours and would come home exhausted.  I was busy too, but I really loved to scrub and spit shine our wonderful big house. My vision: when he got home on Saturday night, everything would be perfectly perfect.  We could both kick-back and enjoy what was left of the evening.  I saw it as my gift to both of us.  I eventually got household help but that was then.

One Saturday evening, after I had been scrubbing and straightening all day, he came home and  trudged up the stairs as exhausted as I had ever seen him.  He plopped down on the bed, yanked his shoes and socks off and threw them into the middle of the floor.  I was devastated, hurt and confused…and madder than hell.

We looked at each other and then at the socks and then back at each other again.  For a moment we were both mute.  Our faces were like stone, beet-red and frozen.

Fortunately for us, we looked back at the socks on the floor… and started to laugh.  Somehow, we could see that our feelings were really about:  “If you loved me, you would understand how exhausted I am and wouldn’t care if I threw my socks on the floor” and “If you loved me, you would understand how hard I worked, how good it felt to have everything finished and you wouldn’t throw your socks on my perfectly perfect, clean floor.”

From then on, it was easier to spot when “It’s not about the socks on the floor.”  The real issue was usually some variation of “If you really loved me…”  It can also be some variation of “I want what I want when I want it and you can’t deny me,” but that’s a different discussion.

I see this all the time in my practice, friends, family, and even in myself. When an argument feels wretched but doesn’t quite make sense, the chances are very likely that you’re dealing with an issue like “It’s about the socks on the floor.”

The “topic,” without context, is often fairly neutral. But the perceived intention is that each is being hard-headed, stubborn, unyielding, unsympathetic, disrespectful, unloving, selfish, and will never understand how you feel.

There you both stand, squared off, arms crossed, jaws set and one thousand percent certain that you alone are totally and completely right and justified.  You have both become “emotionally high-jacked.”  The Berlin wall has just been resurrected.  What to do now?  (Part 2 of 3 to follow)

In the meantime, here’s to your success…

Susan French, MA, CHt

http://www.hypno4success.com

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(out of the mouths of the Peanuts…)

Sally Brown:  ”What’s the matter, big brother? “

Charlie Brown: ” We’ve got ANOTHER holiday to worry about. It seems Thanksgiving Day is upon us. ” Sally Brown:  ”I haven’t even finished eating all of my Halloween candy.”

Movie: A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (TV)

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone How do you do around the holidays? Do you find yourself cheery, upbeat, energetic and excited?   Or do find yourself feeling stressed-out, anxious, depressed, fatigued and grumpy?  Do you notice yourself hunching your shoulders, worrying about money, who to gift and how much to spend?   Do you fear the omnipresent gooey, tempting food and drink and the five to ten pounds you’re probably going to gain?

I think it is a fair assumption that most people experience negative feelings than they might prefer.   And doesn’t it really start at Halloween with swiping your kids candy stash,just  as the cold weather begins to bite?

Well, I don’t know about you, but that’s definitely what happens to me. I begin to unconsciously cringe, crab at people and I start the cold sweats and bad dreams. What’s going on and what can we do to ease up and chill?

Many people have varying degrees of SAD (Seasonally Affective Disorder).   SAD is a seasonal disorder that makes suffers feel depressed for no reason.  SAD symptoms can be eased by using a special lightbox that offsets the increase in darkness and cold.  Lightboxes can be a Godsend.

It’s been discovered that many of us have a Vitamin D deficiency, especially in the winter when we don’t get much sunlight. Vitamin D deficiencies can make us cold, achy, hungry, depressed, anxious, cranky, among many other symtoms. You have to be careful with Vitamin D, though.   Your doctor needs to test your blood.   Too much Vitamin D via supplementation can be toxic. A cautionary note.

Though I can only speak  for myself, but I know I have lots of good company. The perceived need for a lot of extra money, energy expenditure, and rampant expectations of myself and life in general wipe me out before it’s even Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving is like the murky tolling of a death knell.  Black Friday indeed.

I start figuring out money, when to shop, who to shop for,  and what in God’s name to give everyone.  My shoulders hunch more; my chin disappears into my chest. I feel victimized and overwhelmed. It only comes once a year, thank goodness.   Bah humbug starts to leak into my attitude no matter how hard I try.

I could easily go from Halloween to after New Year’s DAY (and my birthday two days later) without passing “GO” or collecting $200. Right straight from October 31ist to January 4th.  Nothing would make me happier.  Really!  I mean, I can buy myself the wrong style, color and size for way too much money.  I don’t need help.

Somehow, the Holidays DO come once a year whether I like it or not. They come and they pass, no matter what.   Somehow everything gets done that needs to get done, no matter what.  And believe me, I can’t wait for January 4th.

So what to do, what to do? Little by little each year I get a little wiser.  Let me share.   Maybe my discoveries will help you cope with the downside of the Holiday season.

I take Vitamin D and calcium and get as much sunlight as I can. Ditto: Vitamin C, Vitamin A (fish oil only), and a variety of immune boosters.  I make sure that I can stay warm.  Being cold has never sweetened my disposition, so I’ve learned to prepare.   I don’t mind my nose being cold, but THAT’S ALL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I let everything in my normal daily life go as much as I can. My room gets messy(ier).  My car gets dirty. My laundry piles up. Sometimes even my bills are late.   I try to think of  The Holidays as a mini-vacation (more like forced, unpaid leave if you ask me, but whatever.   I try not to eat too much junk but I don’t harass myself if I indulge.

I lower my expectations of myself, others and life in general as much as possible.. I try to factor in the traffic and crowds and flu.   And I breathe…deeply… and frequently. I love the music and the lights and the spirit of giving and excitement, so I focus on that as much as I can. I leave as much empty space in my life as I can manage.

I had a lightbulb moment a few years ago that has helped me a lot. I suddenly realized that December 25th (I celebrate Christmas, even though I’m quasi-Jewish) will come right on time, no matter what. I can’t avoid it, delay it, or ignore it. It comes, whether I’m ready or not. So I accept that going in. Whatever doesn’t get done by December 24th…no one dies. It comes, it passes and it’s over. I get done what I can but I try to pace myself and not move heaven and earth to make this the “best Christmas ever.”

Year after year, no matter whether I was ready or not, December 25th came and went. After it was all done, everyone is exhausted, broke and can’t remember what was supposed to get done but didn’t. Boxing day (December 26th) finds most people  I know, whether they celebrate Boxing Day or not, lounging in their jammies,  laying around watching dumb old TV, eating and drinking whatever’s left over. Maybe we try to make up for all of our crushing disappointments by hitting the after Christmas sales.

Whew! It seems as if we all heave a humongous GROUP SIGH.  It’s over for one more year, one more time. So, take it from an old hand. Stay warm. Rest as much as possible.  Plan on listening to your car radio…a lot.  Get as much sunlight as possible. Take vitamins. Try to stay as much on the track of normal living, but do as little as is humanly possible. I try to eat right but I enjoy the eggnog, holiday cookies and accept my broken check book for what it is.

And guess what? No matter what, December 25th comes and then goes. I’ve enjoyed my friends and family. I really enjoy my feeble attempt to take my Holidays in stride, leaving as much as I can  until tomorrow, or, preferably. the day after. No one dies and the sky doesn’t fall.

I know that my checkbook will get fixed, I’ll catch up on my sleep, all the wrappings will get onto the boxes and then into the trash.  I mean, think about it: isn’t it true?   Even the tree will come down sometime before June.   I stock up on a gazillion movies and pizza and leftovers.  I OD on a gazillion movies between December 25th (or whatever day your holiday begins) and January 1st,  getting out of bed to go to the bathroom and get more cold pizza.

You know what.  It seems to work. Try it.   Maybe it will help you enjoy the holidays with a little less stress and a lot more chill.   Before you know it, it’s January 2nd, no matter what. For me, it’s January 4th, the day after my birthday that my family really has no heart for… but they muster through  like the troopers they are.

I spend a lot of time listening to holiday music and gawking dreamily at the lights. (So shoot me,  I love holiday music). Its free and it takes no energy whatsoever to listen and look. I eat a little chocolate. Drink a little eggnog. The gym will be there after the first week in January.  I’ve already ordered three months of Nutrisystem.  The cost and taste of  that alone is motivating, trust me.

And then, before I catch my breath, guess what? It’s Valentine’s Day. LOL. And the beat goes on, doesn’t it? My ideas may all sound dark and pessimistic and miserable but they work for me. I hope that some of them work for you. After all, it’s only Thanksgiving, isn’t it?

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.   Happy Black Friday.   Start the countdown. You’ll make it.   I promise.

Here’s to your success…

Susan French

www.hypno4success.com

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[Addiction's] not about placating the bad dog – it’s about feeding the good dog.

You still have to feed the bad dog, but only enough so that the ASPCA doesn’t bring you up on charges.

Robert Downey Jr.,  Entertainment Weekly, 11-21-08

Addicted? Can't stop? Try Hypnotherapy. It Work!

Clients come to me all the time for help in ending an addiction that they can’t shake on their own. Hypnotherapy helps in a number of specific ways to ease the discomfort of breaking an addiction as well as preventing relapse. We’ll look at those in a moment but first let’s take a look at the definition of the word “addiction.”

MERRIAM-WEBSTER

Ad.dic.tion (noun)

1. Quality or state of being addicted.

2. Compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal;broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

Examples of ADDICTION

He has a drug addiction.

His life has been ruined by heroin addiction.

He devotes his summers to his surfing addiction.

Let me paraphrase. An addiction is a behavior characterized by the inability to stop the behavior without discomfort.

My first question to a person who seeks to be free of an “addiction” is: “What do you fear the most about quitting?” The reason I ask this first is because most people who are “addicted” to anything want to stop. Whether the “drug of choice” is nicotine, heroin, cocaine, crack, meth, overeating, sugar addiction, gambling the one constant is the fact that withholding of the substance causes discomfort.

The biggest obstacle to ending any addiction is dealing with the initial discomfort that follows interrupting the habit.

In fact, the biggest obstacle to ending any addiction is in FACING THE FEAR OF THE DISCOMFORT that follows any attempt to withhold or restrict the behavior.

Why pick these points? A habit is not an addiction. It’s a habit. What’s the difference? When you begin to change a habit you don’t have a gut-wrenching drive to continue it because the result of changing it doesn’t cause pain.

Try wearing your watch on the opposite hand than you usually use. It might be a little annoying but you won’t experience “withdrawal.” Therefore, wearing your watch on a different wrist is not an addiction; it’s a habit. Both physical and emotional withdrawal from an “addiction” are experienced as painful and, more importantly, intolerable.

A little off-topic but relevant is what I ask of clients who are in pain and accused (often unfairly) of being “addicted” to painkillers. My question to them: “Are you addicted to painkillers or are you addicted to being free of pain?” “Judge not lest you be judged” or something like that. Relief often floods their faces when I ask that. “Yes, you’re right. I’m ‘addicted’ to being painfree.”

Herein lies the real issue people deal with when attempting to end an addiction. By its very nature, when you withhold or withdraw the use of the substance, whatever it might be, the individual experiences mental, emotional and/or physical pain.

It is essential to helping an addict out of bondage is to help him to recognize, acknowledge and ease or eliminate this “pain” as well as eliminating his “anticipatory fear of the pain.”

Hypnosis is an accepted technique for relieving pain. When someone comes to me for help in relieving their addiction, the first thing I do is to eliminate both the actual “pain” as well as the fear of the perceived or anticipated “pain” that this person believes will follow his being separated from his “drug of choice.”

Certainly there many other issues involved in ending addiction, such as discovering the unsatisfied emotional need that drives the need to escape, relieve stress, learn coping techiniques, find joy and peace in one’s life without the substance.

However, I find that the very first thing that I need to do is give the client relief from that pain, whether the “pain” is experienced as physical or emotional. And to give them relief from their “anticipatory fear of the pain.”

Hypnosis itself provides easy relief from both pain and the fear of pain. We know that as a proven fact. Once the “pain” is addressed, the addict is then free to explore and discover the driving forces that made him seek out his addiction in the first place.

If you are struggling with an addiction or compulsion and finding that you cannot stop on your own, please consider using hypnosis to ease the pain, discomfort, and fear that stands in your way.

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The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance,

the wise grows it under his feet.

—James Oppenheim

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Practice this and Happiness will Follow

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One thing we know for sure: you can’t be happy if you’re not alive!  I’m certain we agree on that.

There is no debate about our physical survival needs.  Deprived of these we will quickly die.

But what about our more vague and subtle emotional need?  According to Joe Griffin and Ivan Tyrrell, in their book the “Human Givens,”  if we ignore or refuse to attend to certain emotional needs in our daily life, we may very well not feel so enthusiastic about being alive.

These needs include:

• Security and safety
• Attention (giving and receiving)
• Affection (give and receiving)
• Sense of autonomy and control
• Being part of a wider community
• Friendship and intimacy
• Status in social groupings
• Sense of competence and achievement
• Some feeling of meaning,  purpose, value  in life
• Enough challenge to push us to grow

To these I would like to add that each of us needs a reasonable amount of “downtime,” “me-time,” “non-demand” time other than sleeping, to do with as we wish.

It is easier to ignore these needs, to put them on the back burner while we attend to the “obligations” of our lives.  And, we can get away with it…for  awhile.  Neglected, ignored or, more frequently, unrecognized, for any length of time and we will start getting those “Pay Now or Die” messages from our inner selves.

These messages often come in the form of what I call a “gnawing inner discontent.”  Nothing is really wrong but nothing is really right either.  These messages are delivered through vague aches and pains, bone-dragging weariness, insomnia or sleeping too much.  They might be delivered as “panic attacks” or vague chronic uneasiness.

If you continue to ignore the messages, you may find yourself taking the next step: drinking, drugging, eating too much and of the comfort variety, spending, shopping, gambling, any and all form of addictive, compulsive behaviors.  Somewhere along the line of denial we learned that these “quick fixes” will distract us and even give us a quick shot of endorphins to ease the pain.  Temporarily.  Very temporarily.

The caveat: as physical pain is an urgent message to attend to something potentially life-threatening, emotional pain is not so immediate, precise or easily discovered.

Remember the quote from Henry David Thoreau:  ”The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”  Did it ever occur to you that he might have been speaking of you…or me?

If any of these words hit a tender spot in you, you might want to do a scan or your own inner landscape.  Learn to take your own pulse.  When you feel these  signs of unease, ask yourself:  ”What is it that I need right now?”  And for God’s sake, take yourself seriously.

What are some specific signs and symptoms?  Tune in for part 3 of Keys to Happiness.

In the meantime, a wise mentor and/or hypnotherapy can help.

Here’s to your success.

Susan French

877-583-2026

http://www.hypno4success.com

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