Words Can Hurt

          Did anyone ever recite that little ditty when someone had called you a name or said something unpleasant about you?  Do you recall that it was NOT very comforting?  Not only is it not comforting but it is also NOT TRUE.

          The Truth is that bones almost always heal but words can leave a lifelong psychic scar. Why? Because the message to the victim is this: we, your peers, see you as worthless, pathetic, stupid, ugly, an idiot, a fool, a lesser being than the rest of us. The intention of the perpetrator is to humiliate, dominate, and bring the victim to despair and powerless rage.  Pretty mean. It makes me think of “The Lord of the Flies.”

          Words ARE just words though, aren’t they?  In fact, we can often say the same words in light-hearted teasing and the recipient will perceive then as being “not really meant, no threat, just kidding.” So then, what is the difference?

           The difference is in the ‘perceived intent of the speaker’ by the recipient. As receivers, we are always subconsciously assessing messages for intent. When someone says something unkind to another (and means it), the intention carries with it a menacing and distancing message. The message: “you are no longer an acceptable member and are, therefore, ousted from our group.”

          An extreme example of this hurtful distancing behavior is a practice known as “shunning.” “Shunning” is a practice used by some societal groups for punishment and control.  If a member of the group is cast out, he is considered to be “dead” to the rest of the group, including family members. Contact is often forbidden for the duration of the shunned person’s life.

          Studies of “shunning” suggest that the practice is said to cause grave and devastating effects on those involved. It is considered to be a form of psychological torture. The same might be said of the practice of “solitary confinement.”

          The question becomes: why should it matter what others think? The answer lies in the fact that we humans have evolved into “herd” creatures. The humans who banded together and survived,  propagated. The quotation “No man is an island” speaks to that idea.

          This “herd animal” factor is hard-wired into us: any threat to our connection with our “herd,” “tribe” or “society,” sets off a limbic-system driven “fight-flight-or-freeze” response.

           It is easy to see how hurtful words can have monumental impact on the receiver. If you have any doubt, however, please read the letter posted below, taken from the relevant and timely book entitled “The Bully, The Bullied, and The Bystander” by Barbara Coloroso.

BREAKING THE CYCLE

“I shall remember forever and will never forget

Monday: my money was taken

Tuesday: names were called

Wednesday: my uniform was torn

Thursday: my body pouring with blood

Friday: it’s ended

Saturday: freedom”

This is the final diary page of thirteen-year-old Vijay Singh.  He was found hanging from the banister rail at home on Sunday.

From the book “Bullycide, Death at Playtime: An Expose’ of Child Suicide Caused by Bullying,” by Neil Marr and Tim Field.

“Words can never hurt me?” Maybe it’s time to rethink that idea. If words from the past still taunt you, hypnosis can help.

Here’s to your success…

Susan French

888-333-3688

http://www.hypno4success.com

NOTABLE QUOTABLE

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.

Voltaire
French author, humanist, rationalist, & satirist  __________________________________________

How DOES Hypnosis Work Anyway?

Hypnosis: Explained in Plain Talk

Unhappy? Maybe it’s too much small talk
Posted: 11:27 AM ET
By Elizabeth Landau
CNNHealth.com Writer-Producer

No talk? Small talk? Real talk is necessary for happiness and feelings of connection.

Small talk is part of everyday life, but it’s the substantial, meaningful conversations that may make you happy. That’s one possibility suggested in a new study examining how conversation connects to happiness.

Researchers, led by Matthias Mehl at the University of Arizona, looked at the different types of conversation that happy and unhappy people participate in. The study, published in the journal Psychological Science, was somewhat small, involving 79 undergraduates, but meshes well with established ideas that happiness and social life are intertwined.

Experts found that the happiest people in the study engaged in only one-third as much small talk as the unhappiest participants. Happy people tended to have twice as many substantive conversations, and spent 25 percent less time alone, than the unhappiest participants.

These insights fit with what psychologists have seen previously: that loneliness predicts depression, and that feelings of social connectedness are important for happiness, said Susan Turk Charles, psychologist at the University of California, Irvine, who was not involved in the study.

Substantive conversations create a feeling of belonging that leads to happiness, she said. Conversely, people who suffer from depression tend to withdraw from others.

The method that the researchers used was creative, Charles said. Instead of bringing people into a lab, as traditionally done in these sorts of studies, they had participants wear a recording device for four days, picking up conversations that they had.

The Electronically Activated Recorder sampled 30 seconds of sound every 12.5 minutes, giving researchers a broad range of conversations to examine in terms of “small talk” vs. “deep conversation.”

The bottom line is that maintaining friendships can help with emotional well-being. Friends buffer negative events and provide support, Charles said. Don’t be too busy to have a meaningful conversation, she said.

“It really is important in your life. It should be something that you prioritize just as much as you prioritize, maybe, working on your career or getting that project finished,” she said.

Editor’s Note: Medical news is a popular but sensitive subject rooted in science. We receive many comments on this blog each day; not all are posted. Our hope is that much will be learned from the sharing of useful information and personal experiences based on the medical and health topics of the blog. We encourage you to focus your comments on those medical and health topics and we appreciate your input. Thank you for your participation.

Posted by: Elizabeth Landau – CNN.com Health Writer/Producer
Filed under: Psychology

The human need for feelings of meaningful connection are recognized by Abraham Mazlow in his “Hierarchy of Needs,” Joe Griffin and Ian Tyrrell in the work on the “Human Givens,” and probably throughout history.

I’ve always noticed how nervous I get when I’m stuck in a situation where people are going to talk about “kids and crabgrass” or “Dancing With The Stars” and the latest “Survivor” series.

How about you? Do you ever feel lonliest in a crowd? It sounds like it is a natural human response. On the other hand, if social phobia holds you back, hypnotherapy can help.

Here’s to your success….

Susan French
www.hypno4success.com/blog
hypno4success@socal.rr.com
877-583-2026

Please remember: your comments are valued.  Please make them.  SKF

A man lost in thought.

Anyone who knows me knows that I use the phrase “Today is the first day of the rest of your life” a lot. I like it because it reminds me (so I remind my friends, family and clients), that every day you get a do-over, you can start fresh.

Anyone who know me knows that I also use the phrase “There is no reality, only perception” a lot. It reminds me (so I remind my friends, family and clients) that every time I find a new perspective (therefore new perception) my entire life changes for the better…exponentially.

I have also come to realize that my life’s wisdom often presents itself in the best turn of phrase I can remember on any subject at any given moment. “One day at a time” serves me well and serves me well often. “Let me sleep on it” is another. I LOVE quotes, especially the ones that make me laugh.

In fact, I just created a new one that I really like: “if you want to know what’s wrong with your children, look in the mirror.”

It was natural that “Today is a New Yesterday” struck me. Because these little cliches, these little thought-bytes, are what rescue me in real-time. These little thought-bytes guide my day without much conscious awareness. Their real value is that they bring me smack back into the present, which is where ease of living (often called happiness) is usually found.

“Today is a New Yesterday” is like that. It seems like an advanced version of “How you live today is how you create your tomorrow’s.” Because it reminds me that everything I do in my life is woven indelibly into the tapestry of my life. It is like a blog entry or forum comment that will live forever in viral cyberspace, forever to haunt me if I make a lapse in judgement.

My tapestry is made up of many things: things I’m proud of, things I regret, things I wish I had done differently. “Today is a New Yesterday” is my new cliche reminder that my choices today, in the present, more importantly, in this present moment, matter more than I realise.

In 12-Step philosophy, a great source of many of my cliche’s, there is a saying that goes like this “…and you clean up the wreckage of your past…” That thought always leads me to my own version: “I’m a happy camper if I can manage not to be creating the wreckage of my future.”

Sometimes it’s good to peek at the future before making a choice that will live forever in your tapestry. Yes, I think “Today is a new yesterday” might be a keeper.

If you find yourself having a hard time creating satisfying yesterdays, call me and let me help.

Susan

www.hypno4success.com

877-583-2026

Is there a link between courage and mental health?

What is mental health anyway?  Mental health is, at least in part, the result of having the courage to be true to yourself.

What does it mean “To thine  own self be true”?  Let’s take a look.
1.  Being true to yourself means speaking up when necessary or appropriate.

2.  Being true to yourself is choosing only action which allows you to be comfortable in your own skin.

3.  Being true to yourself means knowing your boundaries and defending them when necessary.

4.  Being true to yourself requires integrity: the concept of matching words and deeds.

5.  Being true to yourself means that you take your own mental/emotional “pulse” frequently; you check in with yourself, first, last and always.

Take a moment to think about how you feel when you don’t assert yourself or speak up in behalf of another: when you don’t “use your words” as they say in kindergarten.  If you are being true to yourself, you will notice that you feel guilty, ashamed and angry.

What about not knowing your boundaries and then not defending them?  How do you feel when you don’t follow through?  Guilty, ashamed and angry.

How about when your words don’t match your deeds?  Guilty, ashamed and angry.

And then, there is forgetting to check in with yourself before you say yes, I will, it’s fine, no problem.  Guilty, ashamed and angry.

For most of us, learning to be true to ourselves means finding the courage to move past the fear of rejection by other people.  People pleasing should be listed as a mental disorder in the DSM-IV.  People pleasing seriously hampers your mental (and often physical) health.  Why?  Because you put others opinions, needs, wants before your own.  And you pay a dear price for taking this seemingly easier path.

After all, don’t you count too?  The only person who can really know what you need and make sure that you get what you need is you.

Perhaps it’s time to move your name from the bottom of the list, no matter how uncomfortable you might feel in doing so, and putting yourself at the top.

Join the party of life.  According to Auntie Mame, “Life is a banquet and most poor fools are starving to death.”

Courage? Everybody needs it, but how do you get it, especially when you’re like the lion before he discovered the Wizard of Oz?.

You feel the fear and do it anyway.   Its alright to be afraid for it is a human emotion.

“He who faces no calamity will need no courage.”

“Calm seas do not a good sailor make.”

Mental fitness and courage are inseparable for coping with both adversity and success.

Say to yourself: “I will accept whatever comes my way with dignity and courage but I must be true to myself.”

As you approach the moment of the challenge fear rises up in your throat but you keep going.  Fear gives way to courage and an inner strength propels you forward.  You feel a little taller, a little stronger, a little more invincible.  You have slayed the dragon.  You have triumphed.  One small step inevitably leads to the next.

You may not remember learning how to walk, but you know you fell hundreds of times before you stood on your own.

Here are some other wise words about courage:

Alan Cohen : It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.

Baltasar Gracian : Without courage, wisdom bears no fruit.

Clare Booth Luce : Courage is the ladder on which all the other virtues mount.

Eleanor Roosevelt : You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

Erich Fromm:  Conscience is the root of all true courage; if a man would be brave let him obey his

If you’re finding it too hard to do alone,  let me help you.  877-583-2026.

Susan

www.hypno4success.com